The washing-up has spread from the sink to the worktop. There's a pile of clean laundry you've been living out of for a week. You know what needs doing, but every time you look at it, your brain just says no.
If that's where you are, you're not a bad person. This article looks at why housework can be so hard, and some kind, realistic ways to keep on top of it.
Why chores are harder than they look
Housework leans heavily on executive function. Executive function is the set of mental skills you use to plan, start, organise and keep track of tasks. An NHS guide for autistic adults lists starting tasks, planning and remembering steps as common difficulties, and notes that stress can make them harder (Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust).
"Tidy the kitchen" sounds like one job. Really it's dozens: decide where to start, clear the side, scrape the plates, load the dishwasher, find homes for random things. Each needs a little decision.
Other things can add to it:
- Sensory stuff. Wet food, strong smells or the noise of the hoover can make some chores really unpleasant.
- It's never finished. You do it, and it comes back.
- Shame. The longer things pile up, the worse you feel, and the harder it is to start.
ADHD UK makes the point that not doing something isn't the same as not wanting to: often "the willingness is there but the executive function to do is not there" (ADHD UK).
A scenario
Say it's Thursday evening. The kitchen is a mess, you're tired, and you need a clean mug. The full job feels impossible, so you do nothing and feel bad.
Now imagine a different rule: you wash the mug, plus one other thing while the tap's running. Maybe you stop there, maybe you keep going. Either way, the kitchen is slightly better than it was.
Ideas that ask very little of you
These are options, not rules. Take whatever helps and leave the rest.
Lower the bar, kindly
A home doesn't need to look like a magazine. It needs to be safe and liveable for you.
For now, "good enough" might mean clean dishes to eat from, clean clothes, rubbish going out and a clear path to bed. Everything else can wait. Paper plates and living out of the laundry basket are fine. For low-energy days, routines that survive bad days has ideas for a "minimum" version that still counts.
Accessible tools
Small tools can make starting easier. Some people like a visual checklist or whiteboard, a cordless or robot vacuum, a cleaning caddy with everything in one place, or phone reminders for things like bin day.
Asking for help
Asking for help isn't failing. The NHS guide above says asking for help "benefits you and those you live, work or study with", It also suggests that if someone asks you to "do the vacuuming", you ask for the details: which rooms, and whether to move furniture. Being specific works both ways. "Can you take the bins out on Tuesday?" is easier for someone to say yes to than "I need more help".
If you live with others, the NHS Lothian pack suggests dividing household tasks between everyone. You might swap your hardest chores for ones that suit you better.
If you're in England and struggling to cope day-to-day, you can ask your local council for a free needs assessment. It can lead to support such as practical help from a paid carer, though you may have to pay towards it (NHS). This is general information, and the process is different in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
If you're supporting someone
Try not to comment on the mess. Offer something specific instead, like "I'll wash, you dry?"
References
- Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust. Autism and executive functioning skills. leicspart.nhs.uk
- ADHD UK. Knowledge Tip: Knowing the difference between lazy and ADHD. adhduk.co.uk
- NHS Lothian. Self Help Resource Pack for People with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), V2.0. policyonline.nhslothian.scot
- NHS. Getting a needs assessment. nhs.uk
