You know the washing-up needs doing. It would take ten minutes. You've thought about it all evening, and yet you still haven't started, and now you feel worse than if you'd just done it.

If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many autistic and ADHD adults describe a gap between wanting to do something and being able to begin. This article looks at why that gap exists and some low-pressure ways to cross it.

It isn't laziness

Laziness means not wanting to put in the effort. That's usually not what's going on. ADHD UK puts it simply: for many people with ADHD, "the willingness is there but the executive function to do is not there" (ADHD UK).

Executive function is the set of mental skills you use to plan, start, organise and switch between tasks. Starting a task (sometimes called task initiation) is one of them.

Why "simple" tasks aren't simple

A task that looks like one step from the outside is often many steps on the inside. Replying to an email means opening it, rereading it, deciding what you think, choosing the right words, worrying about tone, and pressing send. Each of those is a small decision, and decisions use energy.

There's also the emotional side. ADHD coach Brendan Mahan calls it the "wall of awful": the build-up of bad feelings around a task you've avoided before. Each time you don't start, the wall gets a little higher. By the time you face it, the email isn't just an email. It's guilt, worry and every past late reply rolled into one.

Some autistic people also notice a strong resistance to demands, even ones they've chosen for themselves. The National Autistic Society describes demand avoidance as something some autistic people experience, and notes that a demand doesn't have to be unpleasant to cause distress (National Autistic Society). If "I have to do this" makes the task feel heavier, that's worth noticing. It isn't a diagnosis, just one more thing that can make starting hard.

Ways to make starting a bit easier

Say it's Sunday evening and you've been meaning to reply to an email from your landlord since Wednesday. Here are some options. Pick whatever feels least effortful today.

None of these work every time, and something that helps on Monday might not help on Friday. That's normal.

Explaining it to others

If someone calls you lazy, it might help to say something like: "I want to do it. The hard part for me is starting, not caring." You could also ask for practical help, such as a check-in message or working alongside you for a bit.

If you're supporting someone, try offering company rather than reminders. "Want me to sit with you while you do it?" can help more than "have you done it yet?"

Be kind to yourself

Struggling to start isn't a character flaw. Every small step counts, even if the task isn't finished today.

References

  1. ADHD UK. Knowledge Tip: Knowing the difference between lazy and ADHD. adhduk.co.uk
  2. Demetriou, E. A., et al. (2018). Autism spectrum disorders: a meta-analysis of executive function. Molecular Psychiatry, 23, 1198–1204. doi.org/10.1038/mp.2017.75
  3. Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust. Autism and executive functioning skills. leicspart.nhs.uk
  4. National Autistic Society. Demand avoidance. autism.org.uk