A friend asks if you can help them move house on your only free day. You say yes before you've even thought about it, then spend the week dreading it. Or you finally say no, and then feel guilty for hours afterwards.

Boundaries are simply the limits that help you stay well. This article looks at why setting them can feel so hard, and offers some words you can borrow.

Why boundaries can be hard

There are lots of reasons saying no might not come easily. You might recognise some of these.

Boundaries aren't rude

A boundary isn't a punishment, and it isn't you being difficult. It's information. It tells people how to get along with you well.

The National Autistic Society says autistic people's communication preferences vary widely, and that being expected to mask your communication style can be exhausting (National Autistic Society). Asking for what works for you is a reasonable thing to do.

Examples and scripts

You don't need to give a long explanation. Short and kind usually works best. Here are some starting points.

Time and energy

  • "I can't this weekend, but I could do a coffee next week."
  • "I can come for an hour, then I'll need to head off."
  • "Let me check how I'm doing and get back to you tomorrow."

That last one buys you thinking time if you tend to say yes too quickly.

Sensory

  • "Could we sit somewhere quieter? I struggle with loud places."
  • "I'd rather not hug, but it's lovely to see you."
  • "I'm going to wear my earplugs. I'm still listening."

Social

  • "I'm not up for a big night out, but I'd love to come round for a film."
  • "I need a quiet evening after work, so I won't be on my phone much."
  • "I'm happy to come, but I'll probably leave before the end."

Communication preferences

  • "I'm much better on text. If you message, I'll reply properly."
  • "Please give me a heads-up before plans change."
  • "I'm not great with hints. If something's wrong, please just tell me."

Imagine your sister rings every evening, and the calls leave you drained. You could say, "I love hearing from you, but phone calls really tire me out. Could we text during the week and have a proper chat on Sundays?" That's a boundary, and it also keeps the relationship going.

There are more ideas in our guide to explaining your needs to friends and family.

Handling pushback

Some people may push back, especially if they're used to you always saying yes.

When someone keeps ignoring your boundaries

Sometimes the problem isn't how you're saying it. If someone repeatedly ignores your limits, makes you feel scared to say no, or tries to control you, that's not okay.

The NHS explains that abuse is about power and control. It can come from a partner, ex-partner or family member, and also from other people you're close to, such as a friend or carer. Examples include isolating you from others, controlling your money, telling you who you can see, or tracking you (NHS).

If this sounds familiar, you don't have to work it out alone.

If you're supporting someone

If someone sets a boundary with you, try to take it at face value and not as a rejection. A simple "Thanks for telling me" goes a long way. Saying what you need can take a lot of courage.

References

  1. Pearson, A., Rees, J., & Forster, S. (2022). "This was just how this friendship worked": Experiences of interpersonal victimization among autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. doi.org/10.1089/aut.2021.0035
  2. National Autistic Society. Autism and communication. autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/tips
  3. NHS. Getting help for domestic violence and abuse. nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence