You leave a party early, and someone thinks you're being antisocial. You don't pick up the phone, and someone thinks you're ignoring them. You know what you need, but explaining it without sounding rude, or feeling like a burden, can be really hard.
This article looks at why these misunderstandings happen, and offers some simple words you can borrow. Use whatever feels right, and change it to sound like you.
Why misunderstandings happen: the double empathy problem
People often assume that when communication goes wrong, it's the autistic person's fault. But many researchers now see it differently.
The double empathy problem is the idea that autistic and non-autistic people communicate in different ways, so both sides can find each other hard to read. The difficulty sits between people, not inside one of them.
So if your family sometimes misreads you, that doesn't mean you're "bad at communicating". You're working across a difference, and that takes effort from both sides. Explaining your needs is one way to close the gap.
Choosing when, how and whether to tell people
It's your choice whether you tell anyone you're autistic. You can explain a need without explaining a diagnosis. "I find loud rooms tiring" is just as valid as "I'm autistic".
Simple scripts you can use
Say it's your cousin's birthday party. You want to go, but you know that after two hours the noise will be too much. Telling the host at the start that you'll be leaving early can stop it feeling like a sudden exit later.
Here are some starting points for common situations.
| Situation | What you could say |
|---|---|
| Leaving a party early | "I've really enjoyed this. I'm going to head off now while I've still got some energy left." |
| Preferring texts to calls | "I'm much better on text than on the phone. If you message me, I'll reply properly." |
| Needing quiet time after seeing people | "I'm not upset with anyone. I just need some time alone to recharge." |
| Being direct or blunt | "I'm not being rude. I tend to say things plainly. If it came out wrong, please ask me." |
| Not making eye contact | "I'm listening, even if I'm not looking at you. I actually listen better this way." |
| Plans changing at short notice | "Last-minute changes are hard for me. Could you let me know as early as you can?" |
| Needing time to answer | "Can I think about that and get back to you later today?" |
| Not wanting to hug | "I'd rather not hug, but it's really good to see you." |
A useful general pattern is: "I'm not being [rude/distant/difficult], I need [what you need]." For example, "I'm not being unfriendly, I need a few minutes somewhere quiet."
When people don't get it straight away
Imagine you've explained to your mum that you prefer texts, but she keeps ringing. That can feel like she wasn't listening. Often, it's just an old habit. A calm reminder, such as "I'll answer you on text," may be needed a few times.
If someone keeps ignoring a need after you've explained it, you're allowed to protect your energy. That might mean shorter visits, meeting somewhere that suits you, or spending more time with people who make things easier.
If you're the friend or family member
If someone has shared their needs with you, thank them. It probably took a lot of effort. Try to take what they've said at face value, and don't treat it as a criticism of you.
The National Autistic Society encourages non-autistic people to show respect and patience for autistic people's communication preferences, and to accept all forms of communication as valid (National Autistic Society). In practice, that might mean texting rather than calling, letting someone leave without a fuss, or asking "What would help?" instead of guessing.
References
- Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The "double empathy problem". Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
- Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. doi.org/10.1177/1362361320919286
- National Autistic Society. Communication: tips and information. autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/tips
