You might want friends, but find the whole process exhausting. Meeting new people takes energy, and keeping in touch can slip when life gets busy. Then the guilt about not replying makes it even harder to get back in touch.

If that sounds familiar, you're far from alone. This article looks at what research says about autistic friendship, where you might find people who get you, and how to keep friendships going in a way that suits you.

What research says about autistic friendship

There's an old myth that autistic people don't want friends. Research doesn't support that. Many autistic adults want connection. It's often the usual ways of making friends that don't fit.

This fits with the double empathy problem: the idea that communication between autistic and non-autistic people can be hard for both sides, not because one side is "wrong". There's more on this in our article on explaining your needs to friends and family.

None of this means you can only be friends with autistic people. But if mixed friendships have felt like hard work, it isn't a flaw in you.

Places to find your people

Shared interests give you something to talk about, and something to do when you'd rather not talk.

The National Autistic Society also suggests you can go along to a group as an observer first, and that you don't have to stay for the whole session or go alone, especially at first (National Autistic Society).

Say there's a monthly board game night at your local library. You could go once and just watch. If it feels okay, go again. Seeing the same faces each month can turn strangers into acquaintances, without anyone having to make a big effort. And if small talk is the part that worries you, our article on getting through small talk has some lines you can borrow.

Low-pressure ways to stay in touch

Keeping friends can be harder than making them. Regular calls or frequent meet-ups can take more energy than you have to spare.

The 2025 review found that autistic young adults tended to see friends in person less often, but were often in frequent contact online or by phone. They also tended to prefer calls to arrange specific activities, rather than calls just to chat (Wu & Wang, 2025).

So staying in touch doesn't have to mean long phone calls. It could look like:

  • Sending a meme, photo or link that made you think of them
  • A short "Thinking of you, no need to reply" message
  • Doing something side by side, such as watching a film, gaming online or going for a walk, without needing to talk the whole time
  • A regular, predictable plan, such as a coffee on the first Saturday of the month
  • Being honest about replying slowly: "I'm terrible at texting back, but I always read your messages"

If you've gone quiet for a while, a simple "Sorry I've been quiet, I've had a lot on. How are you?" is usually enough to reconnect.

Different friendship styles

There's no single right way to be a friend. Some people like a big group. Others prefer one or two close friends. Some friendships are built around one shared interest, and that's still a real friendship.

You might have a friend you only see at your climbing club, and an online friend you message about one TV show. Both count. It's okay to focus on quality over quantity, and to put your energy into the people who feel easy to be around.

If a friendship leaves you drained or anxious most of the time, it's okay to step back.

If you're a friend of an autistic person

Ask how they like to keep in touch, and don't take slow replies personally. Suggest plans with a clear time, place and activity, and give notice if things change. Let them leave early, or skip a big group event, without fuss.

References

  1. Wu, T., & Wang, D.-C. (2025). Experiences of friendship among autistic adults: A scoping review. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 16, 1523506. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2025.1523506
  2. Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). "I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people": A thematic analysis of autistic adults' relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438–1448. doi.org/10.1177/1362361320908976
  3. National Autistic Society. Making friends: a guide for autistic adults. autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends/autistic-adults