The meeting was only an hour. But by the end you're exhausted, you're not sure what was decided, and the thing you wanted to say is still sitting in your head.

If meetings take far more out of you than they seem to take out of everyone else, there are good reasons for that. There are also small changes that can make them easier.

Why meetings can be so draining

A meeting asks you to do many things at the same time:

  • Process in real time. You need to follow what's said, work out what it means, and form a reply, often with no pause to think.
  • Find your turn. Knowing when to jump in can feel like a game with unwritten rules. By the time you're ready, the conversation has moved on.
  • Manage the camera. On video calls, you might be watching your own face while trying to look "engaged".
  • Filter sensory input. Voices overlapping, a laggy connection, bright screens, background noise.
  • Mask. Keeping your face, voice and body "acceptable" for an hour takes energy. Our article on masking explains more.

If you're AuDHD, you might also find it hard to stay focused through a long meeting, then lose track of what you were meant to do afterwards.

A familiar scenario

Imagine it's Monday morning and an unexpected "quick catch-up" pops up in your calendar for 10 minutes' time. There's no agenda. On the call, five people talk over each other, and someone asks for your view on a document you haven't seen.

You say something, but afterwards you think of a much better answer. And you're not sure who's doing what next. None of this is about ability. It's about the format.

Ideas that might help

These are options, not rules. Pick one or two that feel most useful.

How to ask for these

Many of these are small changes, so you might simply suggest them as good practice: "Could we share an agenda the day before?"

If you want them agreed as adjustments, that's an option too. This is general information about the law in Great Britain, not legal advice. If you're disabled under the Equality Act 2010, your employer may have a duty to make reasonable adjustments, and you can ask in a meeting or in writing (Acas). Acas encourages employers to ask workers about any accessibility needs ahead of meetings (Acas). Our guide to reasonable adjustments at work explains how this works.

You could say something like:

"I process information best in writing, and I find back-to-back video calls very draining. Would it be OK if I got agendas in advance, had my camera off for internal meetings, and got a short written summary of actions afterwards? I'm happy to try it for a month and review."

Describing the effect ("I lose track of decisions") and offering a trial can make it easier for your manager to say yes. You don't have to mention being autistic unless you want to. Our article on telling your employer you're autistic can help you decide.

Explaining it to colleagues

A short, neutral line is often enough: "I focus better with my camera off, but I'm listening." Or: "I'll pop my questions in the chat."

If you run meetings yourself, sharing an agenda and sending a summary afterwards are habits that can help the whole team.

References

  1. Zolyomi, A., Begel, A., Waldern, J. F., Tang, J., Barnett, M., Cutrell, E., McDuff, D., Andrist, S., & Morris, M. R. (2019). Managing stress: The needs of autistic adults in video calling. Proceedings of the ACM on Human-Computer Interaction, 3(CSCW). doi.org/10.1145/3359236
  2. National Autistic Society. What support can I get at work as an autistic person? autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/employment/what-support-can-i-get-at-work
  3. Acas. Reasonable adjustments at work: "Asking for reasonable adjustments". acas.org.uk/reasonable-adjustments/asking-for-reasonable-adjustments
  4. Acas. Neurodiversity at work: "Making your organisation neuroinclusive". acas.org.uk/neurodiversity-at-work/making-your-organisation-neuroinclusive